|
Fall '05 : Winter
'06 : Spring '06 :
Summer '06 : Fall '06
Winter
'07 : Spring '07 : Summer
'07 : Fall '07 : Winter
'08 : Spring'08
Dear Catherine,
My husband and I are the parents of a three-year-old girl who has
brought us amazing joy. She was a "surprise baby";, and
we would like for her to have a sibling sooner rather than later.
We know we would be thrilled if I happened to become pregnant. Our
reasons for being hesitant are mostly selfish (i.e., money, stress,
lack of sleep, etc.), but we also feel the huge responsibility of
bringing a life into this turbulent and sometimes harsh world. What
peace and advice can you give to us about whether to conceive a
child or not?
SNGS, Keizer, Oregon
Dear SNGS,
No doubt prospective parents have had these feelings in other tough
times of history, but I agree that these times seem especially turbulent
given the vast array of threats that we face and their power of
destruction. Nevertheless, there is a great beauty in life continuing
to assert itself and in my own heart, I come to the question, if
I were to have been given the choice to be or not, even in a difficult
life (which I had in childhood), I would want to be.
Having said that, I would like to make a case for adoption. The
parents I have known who have adopted children love those children
just as much as their biological ones in the cases where there are
both. We are in a worldwide population explosion in which millions
of children are unwanted or live in the most desperate of circumstances.
Giving one of them a loving home would bring you the joys of having
a second child and would relieve a bit of the suffering in this
troubled world. Catherine
Dear Catherine,
In your Dharma Dialogues, I have tasted the freedom that you call
"resting in pure presence."; However, the trauma of a
divorce last year has overwhelmed that taste in favor of obsessive
thoughts about my marriage and divorce. How can I stop obsessing?
GJ, Portland, Oregon
Dear GJ,
What we call obsessive thoughts are actually thoughts that swirl
around a subject that is of interest to us. All thoughts dissolve
as soon as they arise but due to our interest in a particular subject,
similar thoughts on the subject will arise again and can seem to
form a steady stream. A traumatic event, such as a divorce, will
naturally be a subject of interest for some time—and this is
normal. But if the obsessive thoughts are going on for what seems
an unnaturally long time and well beyond any reasonable insight
ensuing from all that rumination, then look more deeply at why this
subject is holding your interest. Sometimes we stay focused on a
relationship that has ended as a misguided way of keeping the relationship
alive—if not in reality, then at least in our minds. Letting
go of the interest in those thoughts can induce a sense of finality
to the relationship itself. Yet, holding on to that interest dims
one's life and makes one unavailable for other relationships. You
must begin to deconstruct your interest in the subject itself. Catherine
Dear Catherine,
I was alone for the past three years but was uncomfortable going
to bars and clubs and trying occasional blind dates in hopes of
finding a new partner. One of my friends who was tired of my complaints
about my situation encouraged me to try an internet dating service,
which I have recently done with some success in meeting a couple
interesting women, one of whom I have now seen several times. However,
I am embarrassed by how we met and am hesitant to tell people about
it because having to resort to meeting someone through the internet
makes me feel like such a loser. Any advice would be appreciated.
HL, Seattle, WA
Dear HL,
One of the most liberating perspectives in life is to realize that
other people are not thinking about us as much as we are wondering
what they think about us. Mostly they are busy going about their
own lives and wondering what people are thinking about them! And
in the few cases where someone is particularly judgmental or unduly
focused on you and your business, you just have to shrug and go
on your own way, understanding that no matter what you do, you will
never please everyone. Walk in the dignity of your own life choices.
No one knows what it is like to be you—and, mostly, they're
not thinking about it. Catherine
|
