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Dear Catherine,
My son is involved in a very passionate relationship of continual
high drama and struggle, and he seems deeply unhappy. However, he
thinks he is madly in love. I do not like or trust his girlfriend
and I dread the day that he announces his intention to marry her
or that she becomes pregnant with his child. Here is the problem:
my son wants my approval of her and is always telling me about her
positive attributes (none of which are obvious to me). I have managed
to refrain from telling him what I think, but I sense that he wants
me to explicitly commend his choice. It is not that I am the jealous
mother. I adored his last girlfriend, but apparently she was not
exciting enough for him. I have always stood by my son’s side and
have been his champion in every other way. In this situation, I
am having a hard time supporting him and am very worried. ~ A mother
Dear Mother,
Refraining from comment seems wise. There is no need to verbally
condemn the girlfriend to your son, but there is also no need to
feign approval. Your silence on the matter will be noticed and may
give your son some pause and, at the least, not cause any separation
between you. It is the most gentle path to both maintain your integrity
and to keep the peace between you. Other than that, I recommend
letting go of the worry about the possible outcomes of his relationship
since it is not in your hands. ~ Catherine
Dear Catherine,
I have a friend who is accident-prone. She is always having car
accidents, losing her wallet, losing her house keys, getting lost,
leaving car and house doors unlocked, and breaking things. I suppose
she has something like Attention Deficit Disorder. When she is at
my house or I am at hers, I notice that I don’t feel safe—as if
she could cause the house to burn down by leaving the gas on and
lighting something, or any number of other possibilities too numerous
to imagine. She is a good person and we are close friends, but I
always have a sense of unease in her presence. How can I maintain
our friendship? I have sometimes become exasperated with her mishaps
and have spoken to her about them, but that only serves to make
her more nervous and less attentive—and she gets it from all sides,
in all her relationships and at work—so I feel bad about being yet
another person who is on her case about how spaced out she is. ~
W.W.
Dear W.W.,
When it comes to relationships of all kinds, I always recommend
finding the appropriate spacial distance. That is to say, to discover
how much time spent in the other person’s physical company is the
optimum amount for maintaining the relationship at its best. It
is unrealistic to think that we should be able to be in the company
of every person we love for long stretches of time. There may be
some, of course, with whom that is the case. But there may be others
for whom we have enormous regard and affection but are not able
to be in the same room with for long periods without feelings of
discord or discomfort. There may even be some whom we love but would
prefer to rarely, if ever, see in person. Too often we place pressure
on ourselves to be beyond our capabilities, and we ignore the needs
of our own body chemistry. Your body is having a stress response
of nervousness around your friend. Without the slightest lack of
love on your part, you may want to consider limiting the time you
spend with her to the amount of time it is comfortable for you to
maintain vigilance about your physical safety—just as you might
limit driving on a freeway after the point that you become tired.
~ Catherine
Dear Catherine,
I don’t seem to have any beliefs in religion, mysticism, reincarnation,
or anything that provides meaning and gives comfort. From what I
have read and heard of you, you are a rational type of spiritual
teacher. What would you advise for someone like me as a way of making
sense of this world and all the horrible things that occur in it
and the pointlessness of existence? ~ A.L.
Dear A.L.,
Leave aside the big questions about meaning and purpose and leave
aside also your focus on pointlessness. Let your senses be awake
and untroubled by any need to unravel the cosmic mysteries. Instead,
let your awareness float simply in the wonder of your own existence
(surely enough of a mystery itself) and focus on the occurrence
of things in present time. Enjoy the little things throughout the
day and try to be a bit helpful to others. In this way, your life
passes gently and you step lightly on the earth while you are here.
There is no need and probably no possibility of understanding the
whys and wherefores of existence. ~ Catherine
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