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Fall '05
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Dear Catherine,
For the last two years I have thrown myself into my work to distract
myself from obsessing about the end of my marriage. However, I now
find myself obsessed with my work! I've become very successful,
but I'm now so completely invested in my work that it's difficult
to experience any rest or quiet. How can I escape from this madness!!!
Stuck on a treadmill in Lake Oswego
Dear Stuck,
Sometimes a pattern such as you describe requires a deliberate intervention
of planned down time. Make a vow to yourself to schedule a retreat
or a vacation in as many time intervals as you can afford over the
coming year, even if it means only a weekend away now and again—and
plan nothing during that interlude. Let the days unfold on their
own and don't be afraid of being quiet. Otherwise, you could run
from your thoughts and feelings until you drop, and all your successes
will not have provided any peace, fulfillment, or enjoyment of life,
only the hollow victory of having avoided yourself. — Catherine
Dear Catherine,
In your book Passionate Presence, I was very taken with your concept
of healthy remorse. If only I could get there! Instead, I still
have periods of intense anxiety and guilt when thinking about insensitive
things I have said or done that I would give anything to take back,
especially when I think about my mother and my husband, both of
whom have died in the last decade. I can tell myself over and over
that I didn't realize how I would feel afterward, but it doesn't
seem to help. I can forgive almost anyone except myself. I would
appreciate any insight.
Thank you, Dana., Portland, OR
Dear Dana,
Those feelings of remorse will likely serve to make you more thoughtful,
kind, and careful in your speech to those of the living whom you
love. However, I would also recommend, whenever strong feelings
of remorse arise, to counter-balance them with remembrances of the
loving and kind things you did do and say to your mother and husband
while they were here—all the ways you did care for them. I
would bet that, if one could converse with them now, they would
say that they felt your love and would not want you to suffer for
a moment over anything. — Catherine
Dear Catherine,
Our family cat, who is one year older than our 10 year-old boy (and
is way beyond just pet status), is on her last legs. We may have
to euthanize her if she takes any more of a downturn. We've all
been alternately crying this past week. Would you have any advice
on how involved we should have our boy in the process if we do have
to put her down? Perhaps we should ask him? I guess I'm frightened
of him being beside himself with grief. I also don't have any philosophical
or religious stories or ideas I could comfort him with as they seem
to kind of fall apart in the face of death. For me death exposes
a deep inescapable vulnerability, which I value. For a young kid,
I don't know.
SH
Dear SH,
While it certainly makes sense to include your son in the process
of your dying companion animal, it may be more than he needs to
see or know to witness the actual injection for euthanization. Perhaps
your family can have a quiet time together as a form of memorial
both prior to and after the death of the cat in which you share
stories and appreciation. And certainly your son may want to be
included in the burial or cremation. However, I think the actual
moment of killing a beloved pet may be too much for a child. I also
want to take this opportunity to say that I feel people are conditioned
to think that they are responsible for and in control of an animal's
life because they happen to be its "owner." They naturally
don't want their pets to suffer and feel it is their duty to put
them down when they seem to be terminally ill. But what if we thought
of ourselves more as custodians for animals who live in our homes
and let nature be the force that is in control of their lives and
death? Nature will take its course. If an animal is in great and
unrelenting agony, euthanization is a viable option. But I feel
that it should be used much more sparingly than it is. The death
of a beloved pet will likely live in the heart of your son for the
rest of his life. If there is any way to have that death be a natural
one, it may live in his heart more gently. — Catherine
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