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: Spring 08
Dear Catherine, I was born and raised an Irish Catholic. From
the time I was young I had no interest in Catholicism or any other
religion, but it seems that the feelings of guilt and a distrust
of happiness have solidly made their way into me. I can laugh with
the rest of them and I do allow myself an ironic humor, but I don’t
seem to ever really let go into joy. Something always stops me inside—a
feeling that I am doing something wrong. Do you have any recommendations
for getting rid of it? ~L.M., Dublin, Ireland
Dear L.M., As British biologist and author Richard Dawkins points
out, the religious conditioning that dampens and makes suspect all
enjoyment of life is a form of child abuse. It is time we see it
as such. But recognizing the conditioning is a first step. One has
to challenge and override this conditioning when, at the first sign
of joy, that sinking or guilty feeling starts to arise. Let your
attention quickly deconstruct the negative feeling (“there’s that
ole religious nonsense again”) and then, without reacting to the
fact that it has arisen, shift the attention onto the pleasurable
feeling or emotion. This is a reversal of an old habit and need
not occur all at once. It is enough that it gradually diminishes
over time. You may also want to join The Awakening Joy Course online
with James Baraz (www.AwakeningJoy.info
) to literally practice happiness. ~Catherine
Dear Catherine, When I am with people I am always trying to
entertain them, and I end up doing a lot of the talking. I have
to admit that it makes people uncomfortable sometimes, which I usually
don’t notice until I think about it later. Sometimes I notice even
while I am in the middle of doing it, but I can’t stop. It is something
that I have lived with for a long time, and it affects my friendships
and also my position at work. Recently some friends had a gathering
to which I was not invited. When I asked about it, one friend said
that they just wanted to have a chance to talk with each other,
implying that if I were there, they would not have been able to.
I was hurt by this and want to accommodate them, but I also want
to be myself as I am and be accepted as that. Please comment. ~E.B.,
Gresham, Oregon
Dear E.B., There may be another option that you have not considered
whereby you don’t contort yourself into a different shape in order
to be accepted, and at the same time you no longer dominate your
social situations with excessive talking and entertaining. A little
restraint seems in order. Cut back on the entertainment, listen
more, and talk less. If that feels too compromising for you, then
you have the choice to accept the occasional exclusion from the
company of your friends—or find new friends who enjoy you exactly
as you are. ~Catherine
Dear Catherine, My best friend and my husband have begun to
develop such a special bond that I no longer feel comfortable having
her over to our house and I have also been withdrawing from her
in our friendship. She is hurt by this, especially because, as she
and my husband both assure me, nothing inappropriate has ever gone
on between them. But I notice little things that make me feel that
something could happen with them in the future, the way they are
always laughing at each other’s jokes, for instance, or the way
that they sometimes look at each other. I hate to be so petty and
jealous, but I can’t seem to relax in their company any longer.
She and I are both very upset about the situation and though we
have had some talks about it, I don’t see any other way to deal
with this. I don’t want to be in the cop position of making sure
that the two of them are not having too many laughs or that they
don’t look at each other too much. ~N.N., San Anselmo, CA
Dear N.N., If having your friend and your husband in the same house
is intolerable for you, then don’t do it. (Your fear is not entirely
unjustified, given the number of times that best friends and mates
run off together; putting naturally compatible people in the same
room foments this possibility.) You could perhaps continue your
friendship with your friend on neutral ground for the time being.
However, you didn’t mention your husband’s position in this or your
own feelings with regard to him. There is an issue of trust that
you will need to examine or you may find yourself having to exile
yet another woman friend from your home, and, of course, your home
is not the only place your husband might enjoy the company of women.
It may be that you are fending off a particularly risky situation
by curtailing your best friend’s home visits, or it may be a symptom
of a deeper issue within your marriage. ~Catherine
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